Lost Heroes of Yesteryear

We all have heroes.  For some it's their parents, while for others it's firefighters, soldiers, or the guy who invented Cheez Whiz.

I always liked Ronald McDonald.

Here's a guy who remains joyfull and happy all the time while maintaining a trim physique on a diet that should very well have killed him long ago.  Not that I blame him.

Sure it's possible he goes home a few times a week and whips up some low-fat chicken parmesan, but you know the rest of the time he's pounding down a combination of Big Macs, Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese and chasing everything with a sundae and an M&Ms McFlurry.  Again, not that I blame him.

But recently Ronald has come under some suspicion.  Like many heroes, there became just too many questions that remained unanswered.  We'd like to look past these things, since after all our heroes remind us of an idyllic world in which everything is perfect and nobody acts unethically.  Sometimes, though, the evidence is just too much to ignore.

Look at Barry Bonds, a guy whose poster I proudly put on my wall 10 years ago.  Now, I don't even pay attention to the "milestones" he accomplishes, though I'll be the first one to say he's never been convicted of anything.  That's what happens when speculation overcomes heroics.

For Bonds it was steroids.  For the Cheese Whiz guy, it was the sex scandal.  For Ronald McDonald, it's Grimace.

Grimace is a close second as my favorite member of McDonaldLand.  He's squishy, he's purple and he loves milkshakes.  I love milkshakes too. 

But to Ronald, Grimace signified the end of his empire.  As people became more health conscious, Ronald became more paranoid.  Here he is appearing in commercials with a fat guy who brags about sucking down McDonalds products.  He sends America the message that eating at McDonalds makes you chubby and purple, or in the case of the Hamburglar, leaves you addicted to the food and turning to a life of crime in order to satisfy your fix.

It's no wonder you don't see Grimace on TV anymore.  They probably dumped his body in Lake Michigan, right next to the Fry Guys whose only crime was having their growth stunted so badly that Ronald feared a link between fries and dwarfism.

It's times like these that a great democracy is tested.  Do we stand by and let these atrocities happen, or do we find those responsible and hold them accountable? 

Next time you go to McDonalds, ask them what happened to Grimace.  Their silence, or their insistence that they don't understand what you're talking about, is all the evidence you need.

Here's to Grimace, a true hero who won't be forgotten.